I don’t know about you, but one of the many concerns I’m left with after this recent presidential election cycle is the Grand Canyon-sized chasm between the political parties. I’m not talking politics here. I’m talking about us, the voters—as people, first and foremost. I lump us in with political parties because, increasingly, we identify ourselves less by our religious affiliation or the rung we cling to on the wealth ladder (which is encouraging) and more by our political leanings (not encouraging). And this has devastating consequences for our children and the country they will inherit.
From a course I teach (Mr. Rogers 101: Why Civility and Community Matter) I know that Americans are increasingly embattled and wary of the Other. Since this is on my own radar, I pay close attention to the interactions I have with strangers. Often, my attempts at civility—holding open a door, say, or trying to engage in brief, bridge-building chat—are met with semi-polite indifference or outright rebuff. Honestly? I sometimes encounter these same responses here at school from other parents.
This isn’t just my own experience. As Robert Putnam, Harvard political scientist and best-selling author, has said in his seminal book on the unraveling of community in America, Bowling Alone, Americans are surrounding themselves with people who share their same worldview. We do this on social media, barricading ourselves in an echo chamber of people who say what we want to hear, and we do it in public, too, creating small cocoons of friends and family members who make life feel safer, more familiar. According to a Pew study “Political Polarization in the American Public,” 50 percent of “consistent conservatives” and 35 percent of “consistent liberals” say it is “important to them to live in a place where most people share their political views.” For liberals this means being closer to urban centers of ethnic, racial and religious diversity; for conservatives this means living in less populated areas where people worship and think like they do. We even bring this politi-phobia into our own castles: The same Pew study found that 30 percent of avowed Conservatives and 23 percent of avowed Liberals would have a tough time embracing someone marrying into the family who crosses philosophical lines.
This, of course, is where we see the intersection with incivility. Cue the disturbing, soaring instances of rude and mean behavior in schools, on airline flights, in check-out lines, on the roads (everywhere, really), which have spiked since we witnessed Donald Trump berate and stalk his way to the presidency. That’s not even including the callous racial, ethnic and gender-based attacks that are occurring. Let’s be honest: All politics aside, all of it, the guy still unleashed a Pandora’s Box of toxic impulses because we allowed, often encouraged, him to normalize them. Much of this aggressively rude behavior is rooted in political groupthink to be sure. And it’s rooted in a similar but different reflex that once again transcends all politics: contempt for the Other, the person outside of our tribe.
We like to believe that this persecution only affects teens on social media or during middle or high school when Queen Bees discover their bullying power. Sadly, that’s no longer the case. Workplace bullying isn’t just on the rise. It’s becoming the norm—increasing by 25 percent since the late 1990s. The combination of a hyper-paced, hyper-competitive economy in which the needs for greater productivity and profit dwarves all else and punishes behavior that hints at vulnerability. But it’s not just people who show vulnerability that we single out and persecute. One study found that employees who were considered less “agreeable” or less physically attractive were treated poorly. Don’t we continue this behavior outside of the workplace? How many of us ignore or deny the social invitations of people because they aren’t exactly like us or our tribe of friends? And how many of us say things in front of our kids and their adolescent friends about other kids or teachers or coaches they consider “uncool” that earn us brownie points but encourage this sort of tribal persecution?
This is what we may not realize about modeling such behavior in front of our children: Studies have found that uncivil behavior is contagious. Even if it wasn’t, modeling this type of behavior in front of younger children sends a strong, clear signal to them. Here’s another reason we should think twice about what we model: Studies show that being targeted with—or simply observing— uncivil behavior affects performance in the classroom and on the job. It limits cognitive processing, memory and creativity. Most disturbing, being on the other end of uncivil behavior can decrease immune system resilience, opening the door to a host of chronic and life-threatening illnesses over time—including anxiety, depression, heart disease, cancer. Obviously, these aren’t outcomes that we want for our own children or, hopefully, anyone else’s child.
Sure, many of us don’t endorse the turbo-charged brand of incivility that’s increasingly common among Generation Y. But if we encourage our kids not to learn how to share with children who aren’t their close friends; if we encourage them to go through the world with their eyes on their smartphones when any stranger tries to talk to them; if we encourage them to stay insulated within their own small tribe of friends who think just like them, then we risk our children’s future. As Putnam observes, “Community connectedness is not just about warm fuzzy tales of civic triumph. In measurable and well-documented ways, social capital makes an enormous difference in our lives…Social capital makes us smarter, healthier, safer, richer, and better able to govern a just and stable democracy.”
Don’t our children deserve as much?
Lucy Parents 